


Pieces of You

by TheRudeTasteofSane



Category: K-pop, SHINee
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-18
Updated: 2016-01-18
Packaged: 2018-05-13 18:20:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5712367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheRudeTasteofSane/pseuds/TheRudeTasteofSane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alone. That was a word Kibum was uncomfortably familiar with.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pieces of You

**Author's Note:**

> Can you tell I prefer Kibum-centric pairings by now lol.
> 
> Cross posted from Asianfanfics with a few minor edits.

He rode the bus alone, he slept alone, he ate alone, he went home alone. _Alone_. That was a word Kibum was uncomfortably familiar with. He'd been alone for most of his life, and he hated it. Every second of it.

But he bore it in silence, as most people who are lonely do. He went to work, did his paperwork (plus the extra his boss pushed on him), and then came home to an empty apartment. No warm, furry creature at the door to greet him, because his apartment complex wouldn't allow animals.

It could be worse, he knew. He could be suicidal and have people suddenly start caring. Because people only cared when you did something stupid. Or when you were interesting. And Kibum was anything but.

He kicked off his shoes in the hallway and shuffled into his apartment tiredly. He had actually been kind of grateful when his boss Minho had come to him during lunch and asked him (apologetically) to work late, since he had a wedding to attend later that day. It gave him something else to focus on rather than coming home to his cheerless empty apartment, and having tasteless food for dinner before taking a few sleeping pills and going to bed.

Well... he still did those things, but at least it was a little bit later.

Kibum had no real friends to speak of (he’d always been kind of an outsider, someone always looking at other people making friends and having good lives). Occasionally, though, to unwind he went out drinking. He never drunk enough to actually get drunk, because he still had to get himself home, after all. Never let it be said that Kim Kibum was irresponsible.

Tonight, though, he felt a restlessness inside. A restlessness of his soul, it seemed. It was disconcerting, and he didn’t know how to deal with it. So he drank. And drank. He was drunker that night than when he'd reached the legal age. That had been _quite_ the night to remember.

Giggling (at what, he couldn't remember) and stumbling his way to the bar for another drink, Kibum bumped into someone. He went sprawling, his jello knees refusing to hold him anymore. He groaned, feeling the beginnings of a bruise on his back where he'd smashed into the edge of a table on his way down. His vision was swimming when he opened his eyes, but he blurrily could make out a concerned face above his. He struggled to stay awake, feeling instinctually that it was a very bad idea to fall asleep.

“Hey… hey… HEY. Are you okay?” he heard someone ask. Kibum smiled sleepily.

“I think sso. ’m jussst kinda tirrred,” his words slurred a little. The face above him looked even more alarmed, but he fell asleep before he could hear anything else.

When he woke up, he was in a hospital bed. He was wearing a patient gown, and his clothes were already in a patient belonging’s bags. This was, hands down, the most irresponsible thing he’d ever done. He swallowed, feeling a sense of failure overwhelm him for the moment. He sat up and checked his arms for IVs before he swung his legs over the bed, feeling achy all over. He stood up and was getting dressed to leave when he heard a light knock on the door.

The man stood by the door nervously, and Kibum rocked back and forth on his heels in the awkward silence.

“Who are you, if you don’t mind me asking?” his voice was superficially polite. The other guy looked a little affronted.

“I’m the guy who brought you in. Don’t you remember?” Kibum shook his head slowly, wincing as his headache pounded in time with each swing of his head.

“All I remember is falling before I passed out. I’m sorry for all the trouble I've caused you,” and he genuinely was sorry. Kibum had noticed that it was already quite late in the day, and most likely this stranger’s boss would be furious with him.

“It’s okay, I called out of work today. I didn’t feel right leaving you at the hospital by yourself, and I didn't see any contact numbers with your insurance info. So I stayed with you,” Kibum’s heart jumped a little at those words, and he forcibly reminded himself that stupid love-at-first-sight clichés don’t happen in real life. 

“You really shouldn’t have. I would have been fine on my own,” he assured the man. It wasn’t like he wasn’t used to taking care of himself anyway.

“It's no use now. Oh, and.. I uh, took the liberty of calling you in sick,” the man was blushing a little at his words, and Kibum was slightly creeped out that the man knew enough about him to call into his workplace. “I found a company business card in your wallet when I was getting out your insurance stuff, so I figured I’d call and tell them that you were in the hospital,” Kibum still didn’t feel any less creeped out, but he relaxed a little. “I’m Jinki, by the way. Lee Jinki.”

“Kim Kibum,” he replied. Before he had a chance to say thank you to Jinki, the doctor came in the room to check on him.

“Ahh, Mr. Kim, you’re already awake. When this gentleman here brought you in, we were afraid you might have a concussion. Fortunately, that wasn’t the case. You were moderately dehydrated, however, so we kept you overnight to replenish your fluids. You’re free to go,” the doctor bowed and disappeared to check on other patients.

Kibum gathered his things and left, paying no more attention to Jinki. It wasn’t until he realized that Jinki was still walking beside him that he looked over.

“Is there a particular reason you’re following me?” he asked with an eyebrow raised. Jinki shrugged.

“I have to take the bus too,” he offered as an explanation and let it rest at that. Kibum thought that would be the end of their conversation but he was wrong. “So… might I ask why you were that drunk in the first place? Most people only get that plastered if they want to forget something.” Kibum clasped his hands together. 

“I don’t feel like talking about it,” he answered stiffly, and out of the corner of his eye caught Jinki holding his hands up.

“Just asking,” he smiled in a friendly, supposed-to-be-disarming manner, but Kibum ignored it in favor of continuing onward. Was he really so bad at human interaction that he preferred solitude? He answered his own question. _Yes_. Yes he was. It was a disheartening thing to realize. “Why don’t we get together again?” Kibum turned to look at Jinki with surprise clear on his face.

“…Why?” he questioned suspiciously.

"You seem like you need a friend. If you'll have me, I'd like to be your friend," Jinki answered with a smile.

"But... you barely know me," Kibum replied with confusion. Jinki smiled brightly.

“That doesn't matter. How about we go for coffee tomorrow?” Kibum shrugged.

“Sounds good to me,” he didn’t talk to Jinki at all after that, fearing he would seem too creepy if he acted as excited as he felt.

All the next day he couldn’t seem to focus at work, which caused his boss to send him a few concerned glances. But he swept them aside, choosing instead to daydream about what it would be like to talk to Jinki properly. Yesterday, he’d still been in sort of a daze. Now, his head was completely clear and he wouldn’t have quite as much trouble conversing. Or so he hoped.

He went over conversation lines in his head multiple times before entering the café, and cursed when they flew the coop as soon as he saw Jinki. Jinki was dressed casually, while he’d come straight there in his work clothes. He fidgeted with his tie, trying to seem more comfortable than he actually was. Jinki laughed.

“I don’t bite, you know,” he winked. “Unless you want me to.” Kibum couldn’t help the blush that spread across his cheeks, stuttering anxiously. He was feeling shy.

They decided in the end to go to a nearby restaurant for dinner, and they made small talk (to Kibum’s amazement, Jinki completely ignored his awkwardness) while they waited for their food. And then Jinki asked a question that floored Kibum with its bluntness.

“Are you gay?” Jinki asked bluntly. “Because I get that feeling.” After several minutes of spluttering and trying to explain, Kibum sighed and nodded his head. It wasn't something he liked to admit outright, but a blunt question deserved a blunt answer, he supposed. “Okay. That’s cool. I am too. I guess gaydar is a thing after all, huh?” Kibum had to laugh at Jinki’s abrupt way of questioning him. If he didn’t laugh, he would be upset, and there was no call for that.

They went their separate ways, and Kibum couldn’t help feeling a little saddened at their parting. It had been so long since Kibum felt such a sense of warmth from being around people. Then he shook himself mentally, struggling to damp down the feelings of warmth. Too much attachment so early into meeting someone would only hurt him in the end. He’d learned that the hard way.

Despite reminding himself of this, his and Jinki’s friendship bloomed. Kibum could honestly say that he had a friend. It was a foreign feeling, but it was most certainly welcome. It made his drab apartment seem that much brighter when Jinki was there hanging out. Kibum smiled a lot more often, and smiled to himself a lot at work. Minho had noticed and teased him about it sometimes. He always blushed and ducked his head, busying himself on his computer.

“Kibum, have you gone and gotten yourself a _girlfriend_?~” Minho asked in a singsong tone one day and Kibum froze. At that instant, a terrible understanding came over him. He didn’t just like Jinki as a friend. He liked Jinki as more. Naturally, it was a disaster waiting to happen. Kibum  _knew_ he formed attachments too easily, and he had done nothing to distance himself. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Minho’s grin faltered when he saw Kibum looking extremely upset. “Hey. I was just kidding.”

Kibum unfroze and shook his head. He offered a watery smile at best.

“No. It’s okay,” he put as much reassurance and sincerity as he could in his voice. But Minho wasn’t falling for it.

“It’s obviously not. I’m sorry, Kibum. I didn’t know it was such a sensitive topic,” Minho apologized, and Kibum felt himself choking up. He fought against the tears.

“It’s not supposed to be,” he managed before the first tear fell. “I don’t feel like talking.” He said before Minho had a chance to ask. Minho nodded sympathetically, and Kibum felt his cheeks burning with embarrassment. What grown man cried in front of his boss? About something so insignificant, nonetheless.

“It’s okay, Kibum. It’s okay to be human. I was starting to wonder if maybe you were a robot, the way you were so emotionless,” Kibum choked out a laugh even though the words hurt to hear.

“Thanks,” he said with his voice still full of tears. Minho waved a hand.

“Any time,” he looked down seriously. “I mean that, Kibum. If you ever need to talk, my office is always open.” Kibum hated that his brain was telling him that Minho was lying. He nodded, knowing he would never take Minho up on the offer.

“Okay,” he looked down at his work, hoping that Minho would take the hint and leave. He did, albeit reluctantly.

Kibum made up his mind to keep on being Jinki’s friend, even if it meant being put through more heartache. But just as he was heading out of the office to meet up with Jinki, on the one night he felt like he could use Jinki's company the most, he received a text from Jinki saying he couldn't make it. Kibum tried to ignore the bitter disappointment and the ‘I told you so’ repeating itself in his head.

Even though he stayed by Jinki’s side as a friend, faithfully, they met less and less frequently. Eventually, they stopped hanging out altogether. Kibum fell back into his familiar (and totally unwanted) pattern of being lonely and silent. He started to wonder if maybe it was his fault. Maybe he was just so boring that Jinki had found someone more exciting to be around. Kibum wouldn't blame him. He was just a shell, anyway, and maybe it would be better to go ahead and swallow a couple handfuls of his sleeping pills, giving everyone a break from him being such a downer. He'd even make sure to lay down on his back in the living room. That way, even if he did start puking them up he would be too far from the bathroom to do anything, and he'd choke on them.

These thoughts got more and more serious, and still Kibum couldn’t feel anything but apathy. He felt.. resigned to his fate. He was ready to die. Anything was better than this.. stagnation of life.

The day before he planned to take his life, he got a text from Jinki out of the blue. After weeks and weeks (months, really) of no communication at all, Jinki wanted to hang out? Kibum felt like snorting in disgust. All the same, out of curiosity, he cleaned up and left his apartment to go to the restaurant they had their first night out at.

He spotted Jinki immediately, and felt his heart stop when he saw Jinki sitting next to another man and holding hands. His heart closed and folded on itself. Just another reason to add to the list of ‘Reasons why Kim Kibum Should Kill Himself’. He relaxed his face into an expressionless mask and walked over.

“Hello,” he said politely, and smiled slightly. Superficially. “I assume this is who you're dating now, Jinki?” Jinki was frowning, remembering the politeness from when they first met. When they’d been strangers. But surely by now Kibum felt comfortable with him? Why was he acting this way _now_?

“Y-yeah,” he answered warily. “This is Jonghyun. Jonghyun, meet my best friend Kibum.” Kibum’s heart ripped in half when ‘best friend’ came out of Jinki’s mouth, but all he did was smile that fake slight smile of his.

“Pleased to meet you,” Jonghyun’s eyes turned into cresents, and Kibum could see why Jinki had fallen for Jonghyun. He resembled a puppy that you wanted to snuggle up to all the time. Kibum tended to think of himself as a fish. Cold, unattractive, and something you wanted as far away from you as possible.

“Same to you,” Kibum was being even more superficially polite than he would be normally, and Jinki’s frown deepened. He wondered what was wrong.

“Jinki doesn’t mention you much,” a knife in Kibum’s heart “How did you guys meet?” Kibum’s smile turned into a small frown.

“I bumped into him in a bar and passed out,” he was being a lot more blunt than he would be normally. This was dangerous. He could let something slip accidentally.

“Oh, so you like to party? I never would have guessed,” the longer Kibum sat there, the more suffocated he felt. He couldn’t stand all this idle chatter.

It was just his luck. His phone chimed with a message, and he noticed immediately it was from his boss, asking him to come in. Minho had been doing that a lot lately. It had never felt more like a godsend.

“My boss," he held up his phone "I apologize for being so rude but I really have to go,” he didn’t give Jinki or Jonghyun a chance to say goodbye before he was hightailing it out of the restaurant, arranging his features like he was in a hurry. He kind of was, actually. He was in a hurry to die. But before he was even halfway across the street from the restaurant, a hand closed around his wrist and yanked him back.

“Kibum, what the fuck was that bullshit in there?” Jinki looked angry, and Kibum felt nothing at all.

“Nothing, Jinki. I just.. need to get to the office for something. My boss sent me a text saying I needed to get there as soon as possible. Something about a critical spreadsheet error,” Kibum replied smoothly. He smiled as genuinely as he could manage. “It was good seeing you again. Haven't seen too much of you lately. Guess that's because of Jonghyun, huh?” Jinki’s face relaxed, though Kibum could tell that he knew something was off.

“Fine, I’ll buy it this time. Have fun ‘working late’,” Jinki hugged Kibum. “And don’t work too hard, okay?” Kibum smiled, thinking of the bottle of sleeping pills on the counter at home. Fuck waiting until tomorrow. He’d take them today.

“I won’t,” he promised and walked until he couldn’t see Jinki anymore. Then he looped around and headed back to his apartment. People came and went in life. He was simply going to be another one leaving.

\--

It was plain bad luck that Minho came to check on Kibum. He’d gotten increasingly concerned for Kibum’s health over the past several weeks, after noticing Kibum's dramatic weight loss and the extremely dark circles under his eyes. Then when he hadn't shown up after replying to Minho's text, saying that he'd be at the office in a few minutes... Minho had gotten Kibum’s address from the company records and now here he stood, tentatively knocking on the front door of Kibum’s apartment. He waited several minutes.

“Kibum?” there was no noise at all coming from inside, and Minho felt a heavy sense of dread settle unpleasantly in his stomach. In a panic, he kicked in the door. He stared in horror at Kibum’s body on the living room floor. There was a white grainy-looking substance around his mouth, puddled around his head. His body was unnaturally pale and still. In that moment, Minho was sure he had never seen such an awful sight in his entire life. He fumbled for his cell phone, and quickly called for an ambulance, even though he knew it was already too late.

At the funeral, he saw a man standing all the way in the back of the crowd, crying silent tears. He was alone, clutching a crumpled piece of paper tightly in one fist. There was something kind of pitiful about it. Minho made his way to the back and came to stand by the man. Because no one should have to bear that burden. No one should have to be lonely. Especially on an occasion such as this.


End file.
